My thoughts on parenthood

There's just so many things to parenthood that personally, I feel no amount of textbooks or reference material would be able to perfectly help me cope with the new experience. The reason is simple. Each kid has a different temperament and so too the parents. Unless you can find one that describes clearly your child's different and unique temperament to match with that of the parent, otherwise, these books only serve as a guide.

Which is why I am very grateful to have the confinement lady on hand during the 1st month. Aunty is very experienced and has offered many nuggets of information, advice and encouragement over the last 2 1/2 weeks which I have found to be invaluable. Sometimes, I'm fearful of the time when she would leave at the end of the 1 month because its reassuring to have someone so experienced on hand to guide and help look after Faith. Then again, I know that even if we are both willing to keep Aunty on hand for another month or two, there will come a time when I will have to cope with motherhood on my own. Its a matter of biting the bullet and learning all the job, as with all things.

Even though the last 2 1/2 weeks felt like a long time, it only serves to point out so many things about parenthood that no amount of reading will ever teach you or explain the rationale for why babies sometimes behave certain ways at certain stage of development.

For example, Faith's sleeping and feeding habits have been off the last few days. Some days, she feeds well. But others, she gets agitated and wouldn't nurse properly. Just last night, I was nursing her from 7-ish in the evening till nearly midnight. I was tired out but she seemed hungry for more milk and her eyes were wide open even at midnight.

This was what Aunty termed the "difficult 3rd week" and she felt that it was important to take extra care and give more attention to Faith during this time for a few reasons. Firstly, Faith's body temperature is higher this week as an after-effect of the BCG injection she had at birth. True enough, we could see a red spot on her left butt, indicating that the injection was taking effect. Of course, it hurts to touch that spot and since Faith could not pinpoint and localise the source of her discomfort, it was good that Aunty pointed it out to us and explain that she could be rather cranky as a result of the pain. Secondly, the 3rd week coincides with the time that her gastro-intestine (I think its this becos Aunty explains it in Mandarin which I don't know the term for) starts to act up. Which means that Faith is prone to having wind in her stomach and again, she might cry for no apparent reason (to new parents at least) nor would she be able to sleep well at night. Thus, Aunty has resorted to picking her up and carrying her, sometimes for hours as she didn't want Faith to cry too much and gulp in further air into her stomach, worsening the already uncomfortable situation. Aunty stressed that its important to help tide the kids over this period and you can't spoil a child during this critical period by picking her/him up and responding to him/her. Once the difficult period is over, it is unlikely that the baby would be plagued by wind in the stomach for the next 3 months.

The other thing I learnt from her was the reason why infants, especially those that are breast-fed, should not be given water before they start eating solids. The American Academy of Paediatric (AAP) recommended that breast-fed babies should not be given water as there is sufficient water content in breast milk. But plough as I did through this and the book on breast-feeding by La Leche League International, I couldn't find the reason why. It was only through another book by Tracy Hogg, titled "Baby Whisper Solves All Your Problems" that a better explanation was given, coupled with what I have gleaned from Aunty. Breast milk actually consists of 3 parts. In the first 5-10 mins that Baby feeds from the breast, there is more water content to quench the thirst. Thereafter, the next 5-10 minutes (fore milk) consists of proteins and nutrients that would help to develop Baby's bones and brain. Finally, the last part (hind milk) consists of a thicker, fat-based, creamier consistency, which is what will fill Baby's hunger.

Hence, Tracy Hogg advocates that its better to nurse each feed on one breast and emptying it so that Baby will receive all the 3 important components versus what is commonly advocated by many books, which was to nurse and alternate the breast at each feed. So, given that the first part of breast milk has high water content, there's really no need to give Babies any water becos you are more likely to fill their stomachs with water that he/she wouldn't be able to drink the breast milk or to get all the 3 important components at each feeding. Similarly for formula-fed babies, its better to use a higher water to powder ratio than to give water as there are key enzymes in Babies' intestines that might be washed away/diluted by water if one was to give water to Babies too. Now, which parent would have known about that?

Then, its also a common practice for parents to want to give water to babies that hiccup. But in fact, the AAP also said that hiccups don't bother Babies at all. In fact, its often the adults or parents that are bothered by the child's hiccups that they would give some water in a bid to stop the hiccups. But what I did learn from Aunty was that after every bout of hiccup, Faith would be hungry and she would be most amenable to latching on. For a mother who is obsessed about her low birth-weight child, I actually look forward to each hiccup session becos it means that I would be able to feed her and at the same time, she always latches on better. Doesn't that sound strange? Oh well...

There's also been a lot of well-meaning advise given on breast-feeding by friends since its widely acknowledged that breast-feeding is best for babies. In reality, there's a lot of grieve, tears and patience needed to be able to successfully breastfeed and that's something that all the books glossed over. I can now fully appreciate why many a moms have given up and its not for a lack of trying. But simply that without help, its really difficult to persevere with it on your own. It takes a whole lot of determination and grit in the face of not knowing whether what you are doing is right or wrong, nor guidance in how to avoid the many pitfalls.

Personally, the best piece of advise on breast feeding I felt was by a few friends who told me not to worry. If there's enough breast milk, give it to your baby. If not, there's always formula milk. I'm sure many would frown on such advice or feel that its a quitter's attitude. To me, there's been some self-imposed pressure that since many have done it successfully and a high proportion of them continue to do it while they work, I should be able to do it since I'm going to be a Stay-at-home (SAH) mom. And I've certainly been quite obsessed with it for the first 2 weeks.

What I've come to realised from many nights of talking to Louis and the confinement lady is really, feeding only constitutes one part of parenthood and there are other aspects of parenting such as playing with the baby, understanding their unique temperaments, enjoying their growth etc that is equally important. If I'm so obsessed with breastfeeding, its all I care about and as a result, I wouldn't be able to relax to appreciate and enjoy this new little addition to the family. I wouldn't be able to take time to appreciate the experience of motherhood nor would I find it as enriching and fulfilling that Louis seemed to feel.

Hence, I've come to appreciate the few friends who have given me the advice to not worry too much about breastfeeding becos it releases me from the guilt and current societal pressure that I need to breastfed in order to be a good mom. No doubt, breastfeeding is important and beneficial to Faith. But if I'm so obsessed about it that it dominates most of my thoughts and waking moments, I'm doing her and myself an injustice.

I will still try my best to breastfeed Faith or provide her breast milk in a bottle, depending on what works best for the both of us. However, if that fails and I would have to supplement it with formula, there's really no shame in that. In fact, there are other aspects of parenthood that I fully intend to embrace and discover together with Louis as Faith grows and is more aware of the world around her. To me, that's what parenthood is about.